But as I read my baby blog's bio, I realized that while I may not have been living (and writing) with the intense conscious focus of loving myself every moment of every day, I have still been doing it. I have still been doing things that make me happy and giving myself permission to avoid the things that don't (like dishes, heh). I have still been getting up in the morning and living my life for the good and the bad with a smile on my face and forgiveness in my heart for the Oopsies! I make along the way (like forgetting to floss my teeth). And I have still been honoring myself.
From my realization I drew this conclusion: my subconscious is definitely smarter than me. Whether I realize it or not, I have been taking the time each day to cater to myself: going to yoga, spending some friend time, eating an entire chocolate bar like I did yesterday after the post office debauchery. I have been subconsciously working to improve my mental state of being, therefore loving myself more because I am happier more often. And doing so has made it that much easier to get out of bed every day and not go insane with worry over Greg's stories of terror that he half tells and half shrugs, leaving to my imagination. Which by the way is never a good idea because my imagination is often much more horrifying that real life, but that is a post for another time.
Missing and worrying about Greg this much is not easy and I knew it wouldn't be. But my role as devoted girlfriend is not to freak out and cry that I miss him and its not fair every time he calls. Because
- I am not that person, I am stronger than that and
- who would want to talk to that anyway?
My role is to remind him that I love him and that I am proud of him and that if he just keeps going, just makes it through this day, this hour, this year, then I will be here waiting for him when he gets home, with the whole furry crew. I'll be just as stubborn as ever (hopefully a better cook with a more tamed
Today's lesson: Don't doubt yourself. You are probably doing much better than you think you are.