Sunday, October 9, 2011

Mama Said There'll Be Days Like This...

Wave after wave of mind-numbing sadness crashed over me today as if I was standing alone at the edge of the ocean during a thunder storm when the water is ice cold. It's the kind of sadness that makes your insides constrict until you can't breathe. The first wave hit as I woke up this morning. All I wanted to do was curl back up and sleep the day away as if it never came in the first place. I knew I would face days like today. I had practiced how I would handle them: work through the pain, don't stop moving, get out of bed.

Pooch, tired but still going
Just as I promised myself I would, I powered through my Sunday. I got out of bed and took Raleigh hiking and to his puppy class. He did better on this hike than he had done the first time we went and rocked our training class; the instructor even used him as a class example while I sat on my tiny stool bursting with motherly pride. When my friend texted me to join her for yoga I said yes, even though the ache in my stomach told me to go home and wallow. 

I did everything I taught myself to do and still I couldn't stem the ebb and flow of sheer misery knowing Greg was really gone for an entire year. And no matter how unlikely this possibility was, he might not come home. Even now I feel the welling heat under my eyelids. 

Greg was supposed to call me on Skype last night but he wasn't able to. I waited up until my eyes couldn't stay open any longer. He wasn't able to call today either; although he did send an email which made my heart flutter and the knot in my throat tighten. 

But I will not let myself give in to moping, I am stronger than that. So now I am cooking: garlic butter shrimp with quinoa from my Trader Joe's cookbook. 

pesto, artichoke and basil pizza
I cooked pizza last night for myself and a friend.

We both ate it and neither of us died-mission accomplished! It was actually pretty tasty. I'm hoping for similar results tonight. Keep your fingers crossed.

Today's lesson: There will be days like today no matter what I do about it. Do not give up or give in when you don't have to. 

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